Tired AF

It's been quite some time since I even had an inkling about journaling here - so much has changed since the last time I did. I was trying to decide what to title this, and "Tired AF" seemed the most fitting - not because I'm actually physically tired or run down, but because I'm mentally tired of repeating patterns and insane for expecting different outcomes.

The biggest pattern of negative repetition for me is seeking out and/or letting back in people from my past. By "seeking out" I mostly mean "checking in on" people I haven't seen or heard from in months or years - to let them know I'm thinking of them, hope they are doing well, and generally just making sure they didn't get dead. I have a lot of people that do not live near me and have different types of life schedules, so it's challenging to find time to connect, it is what it is. I just think it's important to let people know you care and that they cross your mind, because you never know what someone is going through and reaching out might be the thing they need that day. I dunno.

I've come to realize, though, that I seem to be a magnet for people who use me up and toss me aside like a soggy tissue. They latch on to me to fill some void, to use as a cheap substitute for someone else who is not making time for them, or as a shoulder to cry on - but when things are going well or they are getting attention from someone else it's full ghost mode. Like, yo, Casper, just because I'm not needy, doesn't mean I don't have feelings and can feel the imbalance of this relationship, ya know? Just because I'm independent and pretty secure with my general state of existence, doesn't mean I'm okay being blown off.

It's been a year of that, and I'm tapped. I don't have the energy to spare people like this anymore, and will be pouring whatever excess I have back into myself. Not to say I'm planning on being complete selfish (partially selfish?), I don't think I could turn away anyone who really needed me for anything, but if there is anything I've learned with crystal clarity is the power of saying "no." There are a couple people in my life that have been key players that have always gotten a yes from me, and now I'm fully aware what a fucking sucker I was for their crap. Not anymore, amigos.

Side note - if someone tells you, "I'm a bad friend," or "I'm bad at communicating," or anything of similar sentiment - BELIEVE THEM. And run away, fast.